re:MEM(ories)

Remember the care-free days of just being a kid. No sick feelings about where to get rent money, no worries of meal preparation or the grueling process of filing your taxes.

I'm pretty sure the biggest concerns were...
           if you were "it" in a game of ::freeze|tag::..

...if you were allowed to play, just this once, after dark...

..making sure you got up in time on Saturday morning for the good cartoons...

   This past weekend, I drove back to the town I spent most of my elementary years living. The house I used to live in looked so much bigger when I was young...go figure? Driving through it, it didn't seem to have the excitement it once did. The woods we had a "fort" in just looked like a tick-infested mess waiting to happen and playing in the dirty creek at the bottom of the hill didn't sound so fun...and how did I imagine a whole different world in the backyard when I don't even think sitting back there sounds entertaining enough?

Driving down the culdesac, tears welled up in my eyes as I remembered the innocence and contentment I felt riding my pink sparkly bike down the road; even if I was by myself. Feeling like I could be anything I wanted when I grew up. Thinking about nothing and imagining everything. I got out of the car as I took a deep breath and looked at the neighborhood and grinned thinking about if you weren't in yelling distance of home, you wouldn't hear her summoning you back into the boring house.

After reminiscing with old friends, pictures, and videos that made me cringe with disdain of my scraggly hair, unkempt fingernails, and mismatched outfits, I had to laugh because I didn't think twice about caring. What joy there was in innocence, through the eyes of a kid.

     "Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the .:SiMPLiCiTY:. of a child, you'll never get in..."

                                                                                                       -Mark 10:13 (msg.)

::S(hh)ECRETS::

Do you::..

             ....have trouble concentrating at work...

   ...find yourself getting angry about minuscule things...

                        ...have a hard time sleeping....

         ...feel anxious...  ...get nervous...  ||BOTTLE.THiNGS.UP||

I'm not a doctor by any means, but i CAN tell you from experience that these things can be a sign of stress...from keeping things bottled up...keeping your thoughts a .:SECRET:.

The past 5-6 years of my life have been HECTiC to say the least...I have:

1. Worked more than 2 jobs at a time

2. Gotten in several car accidents

3. Been broke

4. Moved 3 states

5. Been in the hospital...3 times

6. Gotten married (woohoo!)

7. Lost both grandparents

8. Been sued (post car accident)

...and more. But, you never think these things can affect you, right?

It's just stuff everyone deals with so there's no reason to talk about it...

I mean no one can help anyways...

                                                         :://WRONG\\::

      The week before my wedding I was planning, running around, feeling crazy and all the other things that entail planning a gi-normous party that binds you to another in Holy Matrimony :) When all of a SUDDEN. I started having severe chest pains, diarrhea (sorry I know it's sick) upset stomach, headaches, restlessness, shakiness, etc. I was cringing in pain and couldn't catch my breath. I went to the ER and what do you know?! It was STRESS....yep that's it. After thousands of dollars of blood work, EKG's, scans, tests, IV's, and every probing method you could think of...it all came back to anxiety. This had happened before....once in high school, and once several years ago at work.

    'Why does this keep happening?!' I asked myself (because I always have the best answers anyways- MISTAKE # 1!!!)

      I saw the very same thing happening to 2 people close to me. It was like watching someone getting eaten from the inside out...but, they never spoke a word about it. It's like the kid in high school who seemed fine, but was so quiet and the next day you find out he committed suicide. How does that happen?!

   A few weeks ago, I finally saw in my own life, how this happens. My husband and I were having a...hmm, what's a nice way to put this; dispute? And, like I normally do when I'm angry, hurt, or upset, I just got quiet. I figure I'd rather keep it all inside or throw out a couple blow-off phrases like:

'Whatever'

  'I don't care'

'You're call'

  ' Sure, fine, or ok'.

Afterwards, I'd replay the scenario over and over in my mind thinking I should have said this or this. And as I did, I would get MORE AGITATED ABOUT WHAT ALREADY HAPPENED and come to my OWN CONCLUSIONS about what he said or meant. Before I knew it I was fuming and he had NO IDEA!!! We finally had a good talk, and with tears in his eyes, he lovingly expressed how it hurts him and our relationship when I keep things to myself. And it's TRUE! It made me feel physically sick, my heart would race, and I couldn't sleep just letting things roll around in my mind like a hamster on a wheel. It hit me that not only does bottling things up hurt YOU and can have physical repercussions, but it also damages relationships with people around you.

    So, next time you're face is red with anger and you don't feel like talking...try WRITING IT DOWN!!! It takes a load off and then once it's on paper it's much easier to talk about. Most importantly PRAY!! A Bible verse that really helped me was 2 Timothy 1:7- "For God did not give me a spirit of FEAR. but of power, love and a SOUND MIND." Some other things that have helped me 'blow off steam' before I talk about things are: running (endorphins), chocolate (in normal doses, ladies!!), painting, singing, or whatever your outlet is. Make sure you don't hold on to things...don't bottle it because...

    ...If you keep shaking the bottle without releasing the pressure...IT WILL BLOW!

don't ||ASSume||...you know what that does.

     Watching my husband pluck feverishly at his guitar strings and scratching down barely-legible lyrics, he nervously waited for his 2 fellow band members to call him back about setting up a practice time. The gig was in t-minus 24 hrs. and he knew that if they didn't get together soon, they'd be scrambling for "cool" on stage. As the minutes turned to hours, he picked up his phone as the second guitarist called.
     "Hey man,(name not inserted for privacy) can't come to practice, guess he got hung up at work..."
Almost instantly I saw the irritation well up in my husband as he exhausted the fact that 'if you don't practice, you don't get paid for the gig'; and rightfully so, if the gig is paying a couple Ben Franklin's a pop. But, my husband being all heart, told (name not inserted for privacy) he could play the songs he knew. The gig; a success.
   Packin' up their gear later that night my husband offered to take (name not inserted for privacy), the foggy, mountainous, and dark hour and a half ride home. They laughed about their wild early years and pre-pubescent ways. One thing led to another, and as the conversation slid into a more serious one, (name not inserted for privacy) opened up to my husband and in tears told him he knew he needed to change his life, but struggled to get out. He had been going through drug, drinking, family and a whole load of other problems that were still laughing in his face. When my husband told me what happened the car ride back I thought to myself, maybe that whole gig was to set up the scenario for (name not inserted for privacy) to find help, to have someone to open up to. to have a listening ear. I was just thankful my husband let him play that night; who knows what would have happened had he brushed him off (like I'm sure many others had). Or had he tore him down, or criticized his playing. You never know what someone has gone through until you take the time to listen....  
    Sitting in church Sunday morning, crusty-eyed and exhausted from the late night before, I pinched myself in hopes that would give me a jolt so I wouldn't have to pretend I was praying the whole service. The Pastor was speaking on the Life of Jesus. He read from the Sermon on the mount. Before I knew it I was entrenched in the thought that we should open up our house to (name not inserted for privacy). Only 2 months married, I thought it was the sleepy talking...but, it wasn't. My consience bombarded my mind showing me that if someone had not taken in my husband when he was a drug addicted, depressed, and homeless man...I wouldn't have the opportunity to be his wife that I do today.  I quickly pulled out of piece of dirt paper that had lipgloss on it from being in the bottom of my purse and scribbled down "I think I need to suggest we let (name not inserted for privacy) stay with us while he gets his feet on the ground." He nodded and said nothing about it untill after the car ride back from church.
    Later on that day, we called (name not inserted for privacy) giving our proposition. My husband told him that for as long as he needed, he would have a safe place to rest, eat, sleep, and get his stuff together at our house. (name not inserted for privacy) began to cry as he accepted the offer. My husband made sure he knew that if he was going to partake in certain things, he must check them at the door, and our house will honor God, but we will show him support like God has placed people in our lives who have done the same.
     In writing this I hope it helps someone...my husband's example sure helped me. If it weren't for people extending help and support, where would you be? If you had addictions and everyone blew you off as careless or unstable, who would you trust to help you? Take the time. Listen to someone. YOU could be their bridge to help.