I erased what I wrote and re-wrote it several times---still no good. I know better than to judge someone else's conviction about an issue. I know I hate it when people do that to me. I believe in what the Bible calls sowing&reaping. To some of you it may be Karma, or what goes around comes around kind of a thing, but no matter how you put it, it's the truth.
People do things today out of WHAT WAS DONE TO THEM in the past! It's proven scientifically, pshycologically, spiritually, etc. time and time again. Can people change? YES! I'm just saying sometimes I am SO quick to judge someone else's actions before I stop and look at my own! In sharing some of this story, I hope it helps shed some light on how to not be so quick to point out where someone is at...you don't know where they came from. First, correct yourself. I'm talking to MYSELF.
I was born in Baltimore, MD and had moved to several different states, as my dad was a young preacher man. We moved to Cincinnati, Ohio where he was sent by the "mother church" to start a church. Let me tell you...I knew nothing of God. Sure, I knew OF Him from 101 scriptures from church and Bible school, but I didn't know Him.
For those of you who don't know, being in ANY sort of ministry is hard....really, really, hard, especially on a family. You see people, who call themselves 'Christians' , love one day and stab you in the back the next. You find out everyone's dark secrets whether you want to or not. It's just a lot of pressure. Needless to say, the pressure on my parents and family was so great that it caused a major rupture in my parents' marriage. There was reason for divorce and a nasty break-up was on the horizon.
Me, being 15, did what any dumb teenaged would do and turned to drugs and drinking for some numbing of this terrible pain I felt. I was angry all of the time. Even my friends started wondering what was happening to me. It started spinning out of control quickly...I failed my end of the year tests and barely made it. At a party when I was completely innebriated I was take sexually advantage of by several older guys.
After that I slept with anyone who came around...I didn't care who it was. I then started dating a 21 year old on house arrest....I told him (at 15) that I was 18 and of legal age. I picked up cigarrettes which quickly got me hooked and also lead me to smoking pot. Soon after I was suspended for snorting painkillers in my history class with a friend of mine who introduced me to it. Unfortunately, they were also addicting. I remember being in the back of my friends car, high as all get out, listening to some rap music. I started hearing all these voices--whether it was the drugs or not I don't know. But, they said "Audrey...we've got you" and laughed.It was no joke to me...
Several months later as things progressively got worse, and my so called "friends" weren't coming around anymore, I wanted to kill myself. What was the reason for living. I felt God had turned his back on my family, my family was messed up, I was messed up, and I had nothing to look forward to in life.
I took 18 pills hoping it would at least knock me out for a bit. It just made me incredibly sick. I then slept for a full 24 hours. I remember I took my Pink Venus Razor and pulled off the protective sides. I used the blade to cut my wrists, arms, legs, and neck. As I laid in excruciating pain in a blood-soaked bed, I just cried. I remember saying these exact words "God if You care, please show yourself..." I slept for days after that.
A little while later my dad came into my room and told me we were moving to Chicago. The last thing I wanted to do was move again...I was angry about that too, but at least I would have a fresh start. My first day here I went to Family Harvest Church with a family friend, Ryan McKane and he said he would pay for me to go to this youth camp they were having. I could have cared less as I thought everyone was faking their happiness a this church anyways and it made me MORE angry... The first morning at the camp we woke up and did some exercises; I still had not talked to hardly anyone. A few minutes later a young man drowned in the camps lake and everyone began to pray. I had never believed in the Holy Spirit ... But, as I began crying I felt the presence of God for the first time in my entire life...I too began praying.
From that day forward I have had hope for life. I have been regenerated and people who knew me before don't even recognize me now. People ask me how do I always keep smiling or how am I so happy?? I understand now--how can anyone who has been saved from darkness not be eternally grateful?! How can someone who has been through an earthly hell, not exude joy and peace after finding REAL life? How can anyone who has an an ENCOUNTER WITH the Almighty God, leave the same??? Although I didn't know the young man , I wish I did so I could tell him thank you...because of him I had that encounter with God that I may have never had otherwise....and who knows if I would be here today.
So please, next time you go to say something rude or hurtful to someone, even if you DON'T LIKE THEM...think again....
Until Next Time,
Audrey
